What a helpful and insightful reflection, Cara Lai! I love what you say about how anger in the end is anger at ourselves for being in the situation at all. Wow. Thank you for this loving wisdom.
Ahhh the dishes!! its always the dishes! My husband and I wrote those dirty dishes into our vows lol. Thanks for this, super relatable ;) and so so helpful
That housework rage. Maybe you didn't pick a fight with your husband. Maybe he kind of picked a fight with you by not making sure he did the dishes half the time. A kind of passive way of picking a fight.
I had a similar experience recently: I went to my grandparents' old house in NC in advance of a family gathering, in part to make some photographs of it. But it was so dirty when I got there that I spent most of the time cleaning. There were a lot of dead bugs and stink bug droppings on windowsills and bedpsreads. Lots of cobwebs as usual. It took three or four hours over a couple of days just to get it to a less horrible state.
I had to move some beds to vacuum under and around them. And then I realized that my grandmother had done the same: these beds had been against the walls in that log house for almost a hundred years, and she had MOVED THOSE BEDS every time she had to clean for a guest's arrival! It is not easy to move the beds. But you have to, even to make up the bed or put clean sheets on it! I thought, "Why do men hold doors open for women? Obviously we are strong enough to open a door, because they expect us to move beds every day to make up the damn beds!" The fact that they hold doors open is just their way of hiding the fact that we have to move heavy beds every day, instead of just organizing a room in such a way that this is not required.
Anyway, one person did comment that I had done a good job of cleaning the rooms. But the other four people didn't say anything. I didn't really expect them to comment on the fact that their rooms were clean. But they also criticized my cooking, which seemed unnecessary. Ok, fuck that. No more cleaning, shopping and cooking in advance. Rather than obsess over anger, I just used it to make a new rule for myself about family gatherings at that place. I'm sorry my grandmother couldn't do that, but I can.
Augh, Shannon, thank you. I know this pain so well, and the back-and-forth between trying hard to make things nice for everyone, and then "fuck everything."
You're right that there need not be any hint of self-judgment when I talk about my own anger or "picking a fight." And I'm still trying to learn the art of balancing accepting the injustice of it all while still expressing pain, needs, and desires.
One thing I've found helpful is in recognizing when I just feel helpless or stuck and don't know what to do about it. Sometimes just naming that helps me let go of the pressure I'm putting on myself to have a clear solution here and now, and simply land in the not-knowing. Then I can start taking care of myself, and being taken care of is what I've really been wanting.
What a helpful and insightful reflection, Cara Lai! I love what you say about how anger in the end is anger at ourselves for being in the situation at all. Wow. Thank you for this loving wisdom.
Thank you Kaira Jewel! It's so good to see you here! Thanks for reading <3
Ahhh the dishes!! its always the dishes! My husband and I wrote those dirty dishes into our vows lol. Thanks for this, super relatable ;) and so so helpful
hahaha!! wow, in the vows--great idea. Effective?
I've been sending love to lots of squirrels lately, thanks for the reminder that that's enough ☺️🐿️🥰
This is exactly what I needed this morning ❤️
Nursing a broken foot with a partner whose strong suit is not caregiving. Needless to say, this was exactly what I needed. Thank you🙏🏼
so happy to hear this, Tracy. I hope your foot heals quickly!
Thank you so much for this, Cara! I love how you write in such an approachable way, please keep writing and sharing 💕
Ah, thanks so much, Janey. It's really helpful to hear this!
That housework rage. Maybe you didn't pick a fight with your husband. Maybe he kind of picked a fight with you by not making sure he did the dishes half the time. A kind of passive way of picking a fight.
I had a similar experience recently: I went to my grandparents' old house in NC in advance of a family gathering, in part to make some photographs of it. But it was so dirty when I got there that I spent most of the time cleaning. There were a lot of dead bugs and stink bug droppings on windowsills and bedpsreads. Lots of cobwebs as usual. It took three or four hours over a couple of days just to get it to a less horrible state.
I had to move some beds to vacuum under and around them. And then I realized that my grandmother had done the same: these beds had been against the walls in that log house for almost a hundred years, and she had MOVED THOSE BEDS every time she had to clean for a guest's arrival! It is not easy to move the beds. But you have to, even to make up the bed or put clean sheets on it! I thought, "Why do men hold doors open for women? Obviously we are strong enough to open a door, because they expect us to move beds every day to make up the damn beds!" The fact that they hold doors open is just their way of hiding the fact that we have to move heavy beds every day, instead of just organizing a room in such a way that this is not required.
Anyway, one person did comment that I had done a good job of cleaning the rooms. But the other four people didn't say anything. I didn't really expect them to comment on the fact that their rooms were clean. But they also criticized my cooking, which seemed unnecessary. Ok, fuck that. No more cleaning, shopping and cooking in advance. Rather than obsess over anger, I just used it to make a new rule for myself about family gatherings at that place. I'm sorry my grandmother couldn't do that, but I can.
Augh, Shannon, thank you. I know this pain so well, and the back-and-forth between trying hard to make things nice for everyone, and then "fuck everything."
You're right that there need not be any hint of self-judgment when I talk about my own anger or "picking a fight." And I'm still trying to learn the art of balancing accepting the injustice of it all while still expressing pain, needs, and desires.
One thing I've found helpful is in recognizing when I just feel helpless or stuck and don't know what to do about it. Sometimes just naming that helps me let go of the pressure I'm putting on myself to have a clear solution here and now, and simply land in the not-knowing. Then I can start taking care of myself, and being taken care of is what I've really been wanting.