Thanks for this, Cara. Really hits home this morning. I have similar avoidant tendencies when it comes to bad news, but realizing that this can also mean avoiding opportunities to make the world a better place. Like Joseph Goldstein says: "Don't waste this suffering."
Very helpful. Giving birth is a great metaphor for everything "hard": you can't control it, it's just happening, you don't know exactly how it will turn out, and at times it's terrifying. You hope it doesn't kill you or the baby. Luckily there are usually other people there who know what to do to help.
Recently I've been worrying a lot about a family situation, trying to "figure it out." It's pretty painful and it has been going on for a long time. Every day I think I have a new great hot take on what is really going on. But it's so exhausting to figure it out! And there's almost nothing I can do to change it, or the people involved. On some level, I probably did believe it was somehow "my fault" or my responsibility, and certainly the other people involved would like for me to think that!
Luckily it probably won't kill me. Sadly, no great midwives around who know what to do.
Thanks for sharing, Shannon. It can be so relieving when we recognize that we just don't know what to do about a tricky situation, and if we did know, we would just do it. "I don't know" can become a place to rest and restoration, one where we can get restored enough to be available in case a solution or clarity does present itself.
I’m glad I opened this app today. I really needed this. Working with people who are suffering a lot as the systems are failing while bringing tenderness to my own suffering has a way of pulling oneself through the ebbs and flows of openness and contraction.
Very very helpful Cara! Using the metaphor of birthing touches a cord ….allowing things to unfold while trusting “The process “ and staying connected without despair .
Thank you for this perspective and the challenge. I can see that I can maybe make space for curiosity, embrace transformation and not resist the inside out butt (I’m a mom, did it twice). My challenge is dealing with the people that won’t even try, the ones with their heads up their butt. How do you have compassion for them and for your feelings about them?
Thanks Michelle. This is a place where many of us get the most activated. If we can really tune in to what is going on for us internally when someone else's POV, ignorance, and pain is really bothering us, we can find out a lot. Like for me it's often the belief that my and everyone’s well-being is being threatened by your viewpoints, and I am somehow responsible for setting you straight, and a lot is riding on whether or not I succeed at that. There tends to be an undue pressure we put on ourselves to get things to go a certain way, which then gets translated into anxiety, anger, and/or many other painful feelings. Focusing our curiosity on ourselves in those moments of activation helps us recognize this with some compassion, and the pressure can often release (not always), freeing us up for more connection with what is actually happening and what we might be able to do about it, if anything. Sometimes the most we can do is not add more hatred or ignorance to a situation, and that is no small thing.
Thank you Cara. It's hard sometimes to distinguish this softening from avoidance. Sometimes it's everyone else's freaking out that feels like the problem.
Yes I can definitely relate to having my own feelings about something warped by the reactions of others. I've found it helpful to locate the motivation behind the "softening." Is it based on aversion? Because if it is, it's often mixed up with some kind of tension or pushing away. And if it's based on true trust and ease, then that tension isn't there. Instead there's an energetic quality that makes us feel genuinely available, open, curious.
Thanks for this, Cara. Really hits home this morning. I have similar avoidant tendencies when it comes to bad news, but realizing that this can also mean avoiding opportunities to make the world a better place. Like Joseph Goldstein says: "Don't waste this suffering."
Very helpful. Giving birth is a great metaphor for everything "hard": you can't control it, it's just happening, you don't know exactly how it will turn out, and at times it's terrifying. You hope it doesn't kill you or the baby. Luckily there are usually other people there who know what to do to help.
Recently I've been worrying a lot about a family situation, trying to "figure it out." It's pretty painful and it has been going on for a long time. Every day I think I have a new great hot take on what is really going on. But it's so exhausting to figure it out! And there's almost nothing I can do to change it, or the people involved. On some level, I probably did believe it was somehow "my fault" or my responsibility, and certainly the other people involved would like for me to think that!
Luckily it probably won't kill me. Sadly, no great midwives around who know what to do.
Thanks for sharing, Shannon. It can be so relieving when we recognize that we just don't know what to do about a tricky situation, and if we did know, we would just do it. "I don't know" can become a place to rest and restoration, one where we can get restored enough to be available in case a solution or clarity does present itself.
I should probably get a tattoo on my hand that says, "I don't know."
Good idea. I'll get one on my butt to go with the article.
Haha! But when your butt turns inside out, will anybody be able to see it?
woooaaahh. Good point.
I’m glad I opened this app today. I really needed this. Working with people who are suffering a lot as the systems are failing while bringing tenderness to my own suffering has a way of pulling oneself through the ebbs and flows of openness and contraction.
Much love to you and the bbs 🫶🌸
Thanks Denise - This is really good to read.
I love this very much. Thank you.
Very very helpful Cara! Using the metaphor of birthing touches a cord ….allowing things to unfold while trusting “The process “ and staying connected without despair .
Thank you for this perspective and the challenge. I can see that I can maybe make space for curiosity, embrace transformation and not resist the inside out butt (I’m a mom, did it twice). My challenge is dealing with the people that won’t even try, the ones with their heads up their butt. How do you have compassion for them and for your feelings about them?
Thanks Michelle. This is a place where many of us get the most activated. If we can really tune in to what is going on for us internally when someone else's POV, ignorance, and pain is really bothering us, we can find out a lot. Like for me it's often the belief that my and everyone’s well-being is being threatened by your viewpoints, and I am somehow responsible for setting you straight, and a lot is riding on whether or not I succeed at that. There tends to be an undue pressure we put on ourselves to get things to go a certain way, which then gets translated into anxiety, anger, and/or many other painful feelings. Focusing our curiosity on ourselves in those moments of activation helps us recognize this with some compassion, and the pressure can often release (not always), freeing us up for more connection with what is actually happening and what we might be able to do about it, if anything. Sometimes the most we can do is not add more hatred or ignorance to a situation, and that is no small thing.
Thank you Cara. It's hard sometimes to distinguish this softening from avoidance. Sometimes it's everyone else's freaking out that feels like the problem.
Yes I can definitely relate to having my own feelings about something warped by the reactions of others. I've found it helpful to locate the motivation behind the "softening." Is it based on aversion? Because if it is, it's often mixed up with some kind of tension or pushing away. And if it's based on true trust and ease, then that tension isn't there. Instead there's an energetic quality that makes us feel genuinely available, open, curious.