Another meditation on this theme is available to paid subscribers here. If you can’t afford a paid subscription, you can always message me and I’ll give you one for free, no questions asked.
One of my current practices is to say yes to as many gifts and generous offers as I can. It’s harder than it seems, our culture being so into self-reliance.
Last week I came home from two weeks away with my three month old, Rumi, to a freezing house that smelled like garbage. Turns out, our boiler and fridge had both broken, which meant no heat or hot water and a fridge full of rotten food. My husband and son were still away for a couple more days, so I texted our neighbors to tell them what was going on. Within minutes, someone came over carrying two heavy space heaters. The next morning, someone else came by to take Rumi back to her house so I could be free to take care of business. Just when I was starting to tackle the disgusting job of cleaning the fridge, another pair of neighbors showed up and cleaned the entire fridge for me. I barely had to lift a finger. Meanwhile, someone from the fuel company showed up on a Sunday and fixed the boiler, without charging me the weekend rate.
That night, the same neighbors who cleaned the fridge had me and Rumi over for dinner and a shower. The neighbors who gave us the space heaters brought over a mini-fridge and informed me that our broken fridge was almost brand new (we didn’t know since we moved in just over a year ago), and is probably still under warranty. Sure enough, we’re getting a free repair.
As this all unfolded, I had two distinct feelings: gratitude and guilt. I don’t recall anyone ever teaching me to feel bad whenever I’m given something, but that’s the mindset we’re programmed to adopt as a culture. You shouldn’t feel worthy of gifts, and if you do, you should at least act like you’re not worthy. Say thank you too many times when you get something, don’t make it seem like you deserve it. Better yet, don’t accept the gift at all. Figure it all out by yourself without anyone’s help.
But there was a reason that the Buddha taught generosity before he taught people how to meditate. It was because it’s the most basic act of letting go one can perform. As a culture, we may be pretty good at giving, but we’re terrible at receiving. And receiving is necessary to bring an act of generosity to completion. Our sense of guilt and unworthiness repeatedly blocks acts of generosity that could be helping us all share and connect.
The woman who cuts my hair is from Vietnam, and she told me that when she moved to this country and had a baby, she was floored by how much harder it was to raise a child here than it was for her sister back in Vietnam. Where she’s from, you can just drop your kid off at the neighbor’s house for the whole day if you need to go do something, and no one thinks twice about it. I asked her if she ever feels guilty, or like she owes people things after getting that kind of treatment, and she said no: because everyone’s always helping everyone. It’s normal.
It’s not that we don’t want to live in the kind of culture that has this kind of generous flow. It’s that we feel too guilty and unworthy to buy into it. When it comes to guilt, you can’t win. No matter what you do, guilt always finds a way to make you wrong and bad. I think I’m doing the right thing by practicing the receiving end of generosity, but then I feel guilty for receiving all that love. If I say no to someone’s offer, I feel guilty for blocking their generosity.
Guilt is not a helpful guide, yet we typically let it serve as our conscience. We base our choices on what will make us feel the least guilty, not on what generates joy or love.
This meditation is meant to help us stop using guilt as our guide, and start using love.
Authentic Activism Mini-Retreat Online
This Sunday I’ll be offering a half day of practice and reflection oriented around engaging with the world from an authentic place. Activism doesn't have to be a drag. In fact, it definitely shouldn't be. Click below to find out more and register:
